Coming out of the closet

Overcome with stifling boredom and the chaotic pace of urban life, a lot of modern couples prefer signing the 'open marriage contract'.
"We are the original childhood sweethearts. We were the quintessential 'in love' couple ��� a poster almost for a 'perfectly happy' marital union. Our marriage was filled with intimate moments, memorable holidays, professional success, apart from the occasional door slamming outbursts.Three years ago, my husband returned from one of his oversees trips and confessed to being physically intimate with one of his female colleagues. Initially, I was shattered by his straying after a decade of wedlock. It hurt me that that he had fulfilled his sexual fantasies through another woman. We talked for hours on why he was tempted to cross the line and I realised he wasn't just sleeping around. He was plain tired of the humdrum of monotony in our marriage, the listless moments that were suffocating both of us. I too felt the lacuna and the lack of a physical connect. I guess it's quite common for the lust and passion to give way to a routine love making.
After prolonged discussions between us both on the boundaries of our marriage, what were our sexual priorities and our current emotional mindsets, we invited Tara home one evening. She brought her husband along and after a few drinks the conversation veered towards our sexual needs. We shared similar opinions and were all in the throes of a limp marriage that had weathered many storms, but offer nothing excitingly new. The evening culminated in the bedroom which is where we spent many passionate encounters thereafter, stroking each others' deepest intimacies and fantasies," confesses Supriya Sen, a 35-year-old advertising professional.
Her marriage, Supriya claims is a 'mutually agreeable, open contract where the presence of a third party is considered unobtrusive, rather spicing up their marital ties."
But, she's not the only one inhabiting a twilight zone. Shikha Gupta, a 42-year-old lawyer says she and her 45-year-old partner Pralay have been in the throes of an 'open marriage.' "Pralay's business partner was spending the night at our home one weekend when he was out of town. He accidentally ended up watching a sex video which we'd recorded. Vikas, told me later that he was mighty turned on and it gave him the confidence to take a chance with me as we were home alone," adds Shikha, whose year-long romp continues with her spouse's full consent. "He joins us sometimes and the threesome is wild. We indulge in role play and it's steamier than you imagine. We often take holidays together and I can sense people react with surprise seeing three of us check into the same room. Someone asked me id he your brother-in-law? I smiled. Actually I feel quite guilt free as my husband is fully aware of my sexual needs and having someone else fulfill them occasionally adds to the element of variety that was sorely amiss in our lives," comes her daring stand.
In a frenzied urban reality aggravated with high pressure professions, high speed lifestyle choices and a gnawing sense of loneness ��� does injecting strangers into a space hitherto worshipped as sacred, augment the marital libido? "An open marriage is an alliance where couples don't nurture any reservations about seeking sexual gratification outside their marriage. Here, the spouses share a transparent relationship where there's no being answerable about their sexual preferences," explains psychologist Seema Hingorany.
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But, in a country burgeoned with a prevalent middle class morality, is this an indication of a rising moral erosion? A recent poll conducted on TimesofIndia.com attempted to judge the moral overtone of an open marriage. While 43 per cent of the readers claimed such marriages worked, 57 per cent felt they broke down. Amol from Canada adds, "I've seen open liaisons work here in Canada for more than a decade. These marriages are officially recognized as 'Common Law Partnerships'.
"Where's the question of morality when both partners are voluntarily experimenting. In fact, lots of couples discover a new meaning of life in the presence of a third or fourth party," says psychologist Dr Sanjay Chugh. "My husband was impotent for the past five years and I constantly blamed my weight issues and sexual reservations for his lost libido. Then, a young, 22-year-old painter Partho who I met at an art gallery through a common friend handed me a book - the 1972 best-seller Open Marriage: A New Life Style for Couples authored by Nena and George O'Neill. This liberating marital manuscript defining open marriages as a system designed to give partners space to grow as an individual first.I read it again and again, of course meeting up with Partho all the while.
He introduced me to a modern day orgy held in a farm house in Gurgaon. I accompanied him alone on the first night and it acted as an eye opener. I revealed the facts to my husband, who I felt was suffering alone. The next weekend we went along with Partho who by then was my clandestine lover. Today, Rakesh (my husband) has regained his sexual prowess, thanks to our weekend sexual experimentations," says a 43-year-old, mother of two, Sapna while adding, "My kids have started noticing we're more intimate now and yes, when my morally stern friends chastise me for instigating my husband to philandering I know somewhere they are jealous of our revived sex life. Today, we have sex with each other on four nights of the week- isn't that exciting after decades of longing?"
"My marriage ended after five years of us indulging in weekend orgies with like-minded couples, responding to newspaper ads of 'lonely adults' when we started emotionally cheating on our partners. The sexual rewards sought their emotional quotient as we got drawn towards different people, thus taking us away from our marriage. What started out as an adventure catapulted into a wreckage involving children, alimony and public scandal," confesses Neeru Kapoor, a 36-year-old BPO manager.
Renowned sex expert Dr Prakash Kothari adds, "Once I consulted a group of couples from Surat who played a game called ghatakanchuki. All the women put their blouses into a pot and the man removing it slept with them. Actually, the laws of divorce are only 5,000 years old. There was no marriage system in India earlier. Anyone could sleep with anybody they desired to. In traditional societies, adultery was and is the norm. Look at the Himalayan Garhwali tribe, the Garo and Khasi tribes of the North East or the Bastar tribes of Rajasthan! Re-inventing their sex lives often leads to much arousal, but there's always the chance of sexually transmitted diseases like AIDS or herpes when you invite a stranger to your bed. "
Climbing out of their comfort closet and exploring unchartered terrain, urban couples are rewriting marriage vows, exchanging more than a mouthful of scriptural sanctions. Jeet, from Baroda has the final say. "If the relationship is open, doesn't affect any prior responsibilities and is conducted with honesty, dedication and commitments, no hearts are shattered." But in the dark depths of the human mind, is anyone listening?
Also Read:
The secret of open marriages
Is your partner true to you?
How well do you know your partner?
Men and women 'think differently'
Planning to get married? Beware!
Trouble in paradise?
Dreaming of a blissful marriage? Forget it!
Are you committed to your hubby?
Spouse Shopping!